And Just Like That...

...WE ARE PARENTS!!!  5 years of waiting and hoping and disappointment and questioning and doubting are OVER.  I will be honest - I'm not sure I feel any different (other than really tired!).  I guess I was expecting some big overwhelming feeling the minute we became parents, but it didn't happen.  It's like we transitioned from one journey to the next without a big cataclysmic bang we were expecting.  I'm not sure if this is because we had to wait 2 days to officially become Jonah's parents or if this is how biological parents feel too.  Part of it is we just signed a paper and became parents.  That just doesn't seem right.  We are still feeling a wide range of emotions, some we have never experienced before.  But it's hard to put these in words.  Explaining how we are feeling is like trying to explain time or faith or God.  We decided it was kind of like all the big birthdays you build up for - when you turn 13 or 16 or 21 you don't actually feel any different, but you are a teenager, you get your driver's license and you can drink.  It was just weird not being parents one minute, then the next minute we were!

People we have met during this adoption process have said once your child is in your arms, everything you went through to get to that point disappears.  I would have to say that I agree with this.  I'm not sure where the last 5 years went, but it doesn't really matter anymore.  All that matters is that, while it is terrifying, we are now blessed with the responsibility of being Jonah's parents.  I will be honest and say that sometimes it feels like we are still babysitting someone else's child, but day by day, the realization is setting in that he is ours forever, and that is an amazing feeling!

Withstanding the Wait

It seems as if all we do in life is wait, and this process to and through adoption has been no different.  In fact, I am writing this in our hotel room as we wait for our son to be born - 2 days later than he was supposed to be here!  I'll be honest, I had a minor breakdown yesterday when we found out that our expectant mother was not admitted to the hospital as planned because there was not room.  Sure, it is just a couple of days which is nothing compared to how long we have waited to become parents, but it is still more waiting.

It is so hard to know how to handle the wait.  I have already read two books since our flight left Friday morning (it is 2pm on Sunday).  We went to the beach for a while yesterday and on a two-hour long walk today to kill some time.  But now we just have to sit here and wait for a phone call to tell us to come to the hospital - and then we have to wait the appropriate time before we can bring him back to the hotel with us and wait even longer to actually bring him home!

The wait to become parents has been difficult, but constantly questioning what we should be doing in that wait made it even harder.  When we were struggling with unexplained infertility, we felt guilty for doing fun things because we didn't want people to think that we were happy about not being parents.  However, I now know how important it is to do fun things to get your mind off of what you don't have, otherwise you will drive yourself crazy.  We still have plenty of things in our lives to be happy about, and it wouldn't be right to deprive ourselves of happiness because one area of our lives was unhappy.  

Once we decided to pursue adoption, we felt guilty any time we spent money on something fun.  We were worried about how it would look to people if we went to a football game, basketball tournament or out to eat with friends when we were trying to raise money for adoption expenses.  But again, we realized how important it is to still do things that we enjoy.  Sure, we have cut back on a lot of things (an entire year without cable, especially ESPN is rough!), but we still choose to do fun things that cost money.

I believe that you have to make the most of whatever situation you are in.  If you are constantly waiting for something to change or happen, you will never be able to just enjoy life.  One of our friends' motto during their adoption journey was "Choose Joy".  I love this because you really do have a choice, and even though it might be difficult during certain situations, I would rather choose joy than let life pass me by while I wait.  I'm not saying it is wrong to wait for something - but don't make yourself miserable by letting it consume you.  I have seen this quote floating around Facebook and really like it - I hope you do too!

Mother's Day

I have a love/hate relationship with Mother's Day - kind of like I do with Valentine's Day.  I hate that we have to set aside one day a year to tell our moms how much we love and appreciate them, even though it should be done all year long.  Unfortunately, many of us are so busy with our own lives that we don't take time very often to let our mothers know that.  So, I am glad there is a day when we focus on our mothers and how much they mean to us.  Plus, I love holidays because it is a reason to get together with extended family.

This is most of the women on my dad's side of the family on Mother's Day last year

However, Mother's Day has been pretty hard the last few years.  There have been years in church when they would have all moms stand up to be recognized...and there I sat.  I felt like all eyes were on me, and it took everything I had not to burst out in tears.  Now, I'm sure people weren't looking at me at all, but it definitely felt that way.  And then there was the instance a couple of years ago when I was in CVS picking out a card for my mom.  Reading through the cards, all I could think was that I would never get a card like that - that no one would feel the way about me that I feel about my mom.  I honestly don't remember if I ended up buying a card or leaving the store before breaking down because the tears were starting to form.

Mother's Day is hard when you want to be a mom but you aren't.  I can't imagine how hard Mother's Day is for those who have lost their mom and don't have someone to pick out a card for.  Or for the moms who have lost a child and won't be getting a card from them.  Or for the brave birth moms who chose life for their child but made the decision to place their child for adoption.  Holidays are supposed to be a joyous occasion, but for many it is a day that they have to put on a happy face even though they are hurting inside.  So, while you are celebrating your wonderful mothers this year, please keep in mind those who are struggling and say a prayer for them - or send them a card to let them know you are thinking about them.

On a happy note, last year on Mother's Day is when we announced our plans to adopt by giving our families this picture and posting it on Facebook.

This will hopefully be the last Mother's Day that I am not a mom - unless our little guy decides to come early and I will get to celebrate with him in my arms!

One More Month

Our little guy is due in less than a month (May 18th).  We frequently get asked if we are excited.  I do what is expected - smile and say yes - even though what I want to do is have a nervous break down.  Sure, there is a little bit of excitement when thinking that we might actually become parents after 5 years of it not happening.  But there are so many other feelings - none of which feel like excitement.  

Worry consumes most of my thoughts.  After going through one failed match, I am so worried that it will happen again.  However, when I think about the future, I always picture this little guy with us.  I cannot stop getting hopeful that it really is going to happen this time - we are going to become parents SOON!  

When I'm not worried about the adoption not happening, I am worried about it actually happening and becoming a mom.  I mean, we will be completely responsible for the well-being of another human.  If you can tell me that isn't something to be nervous about, I am going to have to call you a liar.  I've never been a mom, so the thought of becoming a mom is more scary than exciting.  Luckily, I have lots of mommy friends who tell me it is completely normal to be scared out of your mind about becoming a mom for the first time.

From what I hear, parenthood completely changes your life and you don't quite get that until it actually happens.  I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about the change.  Tyler and I have been together for 8 years now - just the two of us.  We have been fortunate enough to do lots of traveling together and just enjoy each other's company.  Change is hard and we are about to experience the biggest change of our lives (yes, that includes marriage and getting a puppy) - I think it is OK to have feelings other than excitement.

So, while our (hopefully) last month as a family of 2 (+ Dudley) is winding down, forgive me if I seem a little frazzled.  Yes, I am excited to be a parent - but I am also filled with worry of the unknown.  I am trying to remember that God is always in control, no matter what happens.  It does me no good to worry, so when those feelings creep in, I ask God to take away my worry.  We could use a few more prayers in the next month...and every month there after :)

Why We Chose Adoption

This question was the reason I was most nervous to share our story for two main reasons:

1. Telling others you most likely will not have biological children feels like wearing a scarlet letter
2. I am afraid others will judge me for not pursuing every possible method for conceiving a child biologically before deciding to adopt

There, I said it.  As much as we want to be parents, it just wasn't happening for us.  Even though we were not told that we can't have kids, we were feeling very defeated and like it would never happen.  I will go into more detail about that struggle in another post, but I don't want this one to be too long discussing that as well.  

After nearly 4 years of trying to have a child, we sat down one night and I finally spilled out my heart to Tyler...I didn't want to try InVitro Fertilization (IVF).  It was so hard for me to admit this because I thought he would be disappointed that I wouldn't try anything possible to have "our" child.  I felt like if I wasn't willing to go through IVF, then I didn't deserve to be a mom at all.  When you go through years of wanting something and it not happening, you definitely begin to think that maybe you don't deserve that thing you want.  Of course, Tyler was completely supportive and said he didn't care whether our child had our DNA or not - he just wanted us to be able to give all of the love we have to a child that needs it.  

That was the last Monday night in April.  I had already been reading This Family's Journey, thanks to a suggestion from a friend, and told Tyler about it.  He started reading it and we decided to email Shelley the next day - that was a HUGE step for us.  First of all, she was on the news.  Why would someone on the news take time to talk to complete strangers?  Second of all, it was admitting that we were "giving up" on conceiving a child.  Well, Shelley emailed us back within hours and we planned to go meet them that Sunday.  We felt an immediate connection with her and Chris, and I think we left that day knowing that we would be pursuing adoption.  In fact, we emailed Susan, the adoption consultant they used, the very next day to get started.  In my original email to Shelley, I told her that we would not be starting the actual process until school was out - guess I was wrong on that!  We started immediately and the month of May 2014 was one of the craziest of my life (more on that in another post).

Some people probably think we jumped in too quickly.  Many people say you need to do your research before you decide to adopt as well as how to go about starting the adoption process.  Well, our research was done at a kitchen table of (at the time) complete strangers who shared their hearts with us.  It was all we needed to confirm our decision to pursue adoption. 

I hope you don't take this post as if I think IVF is wrong because I don't.  I know people who have had successful IVF treatments, but unfortunately I know many more who have had unsuccessful ones.  The treatments are expensive - monetarily, physically, and emotionally, and I just knew I did not want to go through it.  It is so hard to admit that, but it is the truth. 

Although this is our reason for adopting, it does not mean everyone who adopts struggles with infertility and not everyone who struggles with infertility adopts.   

Why Blog?

I can (and have) come up with many reasons not to blog...

• I hate to write - I would rather do 25 math problems than write a one-page paper
• It is scary to be open and honest about a struggle you are facing
• People might judge me for what I write
• People might think I am looking for attention/sympathy
• No one will read it anyway (I guess that solves the above problems!)

And the list could go on and on.

BUT, there has been one reason I keep thinking about over and over as to why I should start a blog - maybe it will help someone else.  I have been reading through The Purpose Driven Life with a friend, and we just came to a part that talked about how God brings trials into your life so that you will be equipped to help others.  As a Christian, I believe our biggest purpose in this life is to help others in whatever way we can.  So my hope is that I can reach even just one person and give them encouragement in whatever their struggle might be.  

Plus, without our now dear friends sharing their story (This Family's Journey), we wouldn't be where we are today.

This blog will mainly be about our journey to and through adoption and eventually about life as a family of 3!  Miki will be doing most of the writing (even though Tyler is much better at it!) and many of the posts will be about things that have already happened (because I am such a procrastinator!).  Again, our goal in this is to tell our story in order to give hope and encouragement to others who might be facing this same issue or even a completely different struggle.