One More Month

Our little guy is due in less than a month (May 18th).  We frequently get asked if we are excited.  I do what is expected - smile and say yes - even though what I want to do is have a nervous break down.  Sure, there is a little bit of excitement when thinking that we might actually become parents after 5 years of it not happening.  But there are so many other feelings - none of which feel like excitement.  

Worry consumes most of my thoughts.  After going through one failed match, I am so worried that it will happen again.  However, when I think about the future, I always picture this little guy with us.  I cannot stop getting hopeful that it really is going to happen this time - we are going to become parents SOON!  

When I'm not worried about the adoption not happening, I am worried about it actually happening and becoming a mom.  I mean, we will be completely responsible for the well-being of another human.  If you can tell me that isn't something to be nervous about, I am going to have to call you a liar.  I've never been a mom, so the thought of becoming a mom is more scary than exciting.  Luckily, I have lots of mommy friends who tell me it is completely normal to be scared out of your mind about becoming a mom for the first time.

From what I hear, parenthood completely changes your life and you don't quite get that until it actually happens.  I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about the change.  Tyler and I have been together for 8 years now - just the two of us.  We have been fortunate enough to do lots of traveling together and just enjoy each other's company.  Change is hard and we are about to experience the biggest change of our lives (yes, that includes marriage and getting a puppy) - I think it is OK to have feelings other than excitement.

So, while our (hopefully) last month as a family of 2 (+ Dudley) is winding down, forgive me if I seem a little frazzled.  Yes, I am excited to be a parent - but I am also filled with worry of the unknown.  I am trying to remember that God is always in control, no matter what happens.  It does me no good to worry, so when those feelings creep in, I ask God to take away my worry.  We could use a few more prayers in the next month...and every month there after :)

Why We Chose Adoption

This question was the reason I was most nervous to share our story for two main reasons:

1. Telling others you most likely will not have biological children feels like wearing a scarlet letter
2. I am afraid others will judge me for not pursuing every possible method for conceiving a child biologically before deciding to adopt

There, I said it.  As much as we want to be parents, it just wasn't happening for us.  Even though we were not told that we can't have kids, we were feeling very defeated and like it would never happen.  I will go into more detail about that struggle in another post, but I don't want this one to be too long discussing that as well.  

After nearly 4 years of trying to have a child, we sat down one night and I finally spilled out my heart to Tyler...I didn't want to try InVitro Fertilization (IVF).  It was so hard for me to admit this because I thought he would be disappointed that I wouldn't try anything possible to have "our" child.  I felt like if I wasn't willing to go through IVF, then I didn't deserve to be a mom at all.  When you go through years of wanting something and it not happening, you definitely begin to think that maybe you don't deserve that thing you want.  Of course, Tyler was completely supportive and said he didn't care whether our child had our DNA or not - he just wanted us to be able to give all of the love we have to a child that needs it.  

That was the last Monday night in April.  I had already been reading This Family's Journey, thanks to a suggestion from a friend, and told Tyler about it.  He started reading it and we decided to email Shelley the next day - that was a HUGE step for us.  First of all, she was on the news.  Why would someone on the news take time to talk to complete strangers?  Second of all, it was admitting that we were "giving up" on conceiving a child.  Well, Shelley emailed us back within hours and we planned to go meet them that Sunday.  We felt an immediate connection with her and Chris, and I think we left that day knowing that we would be pursuing adoption.  In fact, we emailed Susan, the adoption consultant they used, the very next day to get started.  In my original email to Shelley, I told her that we would not be starting the actual process until school was out - guess I was wrong on that!  We started immediately and the month of May 2014 was one of the craziest of my life (more on that in another post).

Some people probably think we jumped in too quickly.  Many people say you need to do your research before you decide to adopt as well as how to go about starting the adoption process.  Well, our research was done at a kitchen table of (at the time) complete strangers who shared their hearts with us.  It was all we needed to confirm our decision to pursue adoption. 

I hope you don't take this post as if I think IVF is wrong because I don't.  I know people who have had successful IVF treatments, but unfortunately I know many more who have had unsuccessful ones.  The treatments are expensive - monetarily, physically, and emotionally, and I just knew I did not want to go through it.  It is so hard to admit that, but it is the truth. 

Although this is our reason for adopting, it does not mean everyone who adopts struggles with infertility and not everyone who struggles with infertility adopts.   

Why Blog?

I can (and have) come up with many reasons not to blog...

• I hate to write - I would rather do 25 math problems than write a one-page paper
• It is scary to be open and honest about a struggle you are facing
• People might judge me for what I write
• People might think I am looking for attention/sympathy
• No one will read it anyway (I guess that solves the above problems!)

And the list could go on and on.

BUT, there has been one reason I keep thinking about over and over as to why I should start a blog - maybe it will help someone else.  I have been reading through The Purpose Driven Life with a friend, and we just came to a part that talked about how God brings trials into your life so that you will be equipped to help others.  As a Christian, I believe our biggest purpose in this life is to help others in whatever way we can.  So my hope is that I can reach even just one person and give them encouragement in whatever their struggle might be.  

Plus, without our now dear friends sharing their story (This Family's Journey), we wouldn't be where we are today.

This blog will mainly be about our journey to and through adoption and eventually about life as a family of 3!  Miki will be doing most of the writing (even though Tyler is much better at it!) and many of the posts will be about things that have already happened (because I am such a procrastinator!).  Again, our goal in this is to tell our story in order to give hope and encouragement to others who might be facing this same issue or even a completely different struggle.