One More Month

Our little guy is due in less than a month (May 18th).  We frequently get asked if we are excited.  I do what is expected - smile and say yes - even though what I want to do is have a nervous break down.  Sure, there is a little bit of excitement when thinking that we might actually become parents after 5 years of it not happening.  But there are so many other feelings - none of which feel like excitement.  

Worry consumes most of my thoughts.  After going through one failed match, I am so worried that it will happen again.  However, when I think about the future, I always picture this little guy with us.  I cannot stop getting hopeful that it really is going to happen this time - we are going to become parents SOON!  

When I'm not worried about the adoption not happening, I am worried about it actually happening and becoming a mom.  I mean, we will be completely responsible for the well-being of another human.  If you can tell me that isn't something to be nervous about, I am going to have to call you a liar.  I've never been a mom, so the thought of becoming a mom is more scary than exciting.  Luckily, I have lots of mommy friends who tell me it is completely normal to be scared out of your mind about becoming a mom for the first time.

From what I hear, parenthood completely changes your life and you don't quite get that until it actually happens.  I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about the change.  Tyler and I have been together for 8 years now - just the two of us.  We have been fortunate enough to do lots of traveling together and just enjoy each other's company.  Change is hard and we are about to experience the biggest change of our lives (yes, that includes marriage and getting a puppy) - I think it is OK to have feelings other than excitement.

So, while our (hopefully) last month as a family of 2 (+ Dudley) is winding down, forgive me if I seem a little frazzled.  Yes, I am excited to be a parent - but I am also filled with worry of the unknown.  I am trying to remember that God is always in control, no matter what happens.  It does me no good to worry, so when those feelings creep in, I ask God to take away my worry.  We could use a few more prayers in the next month...and every month there after :)